It’s very difficult for a lesbian to explain what it’s like to be a lesbian. Like....how does it feel to be a brunet? To have testicles? To be a bigot? My mom blames Atlanta for me being a lesbian. "Everything was fine until you moved there."Then I come back with, "That's right, Mom, Atlanta had mandatory lesbianism within the city limits, and sure as hell, the Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business days to add a significant amount of flannel to my wardrobe and three additional tattoos down my arms!"My God!! Mom really had a problem when I came out of the closet and still believes it’s an affliction like some kind of disease with men being the only cure. Dad wasn’t all that surprised, considering my pitching speed in softball and my knowledge of NFL stats. I was either Wonder Woman or gay.
I’m feminine, and love pretty clothes and nice expensive shoes. Most knot heads believe that ‘drag’ is when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t....well sugar, that is so wrong....but funny. Making friendships is difficult as most women are uncomfortable being too close to a lesbian in case we go into heat, or worse yet, they catch it!! I get my feelings hurt too easily in close relationships, so I tend to keep to the basics as friends with benefits and cooking skills. Sex is very important to me as a steady flow of affection helps to keep me stable and my mind clear…..not to mention my hormones under control.
I am what I am but I stay confused over the animosity from both my church and society in general. I look in the mirror and see no threat or self ambiguity. I see a woman who loves and wants to be loved. No more....no less.
There are as many ‘kinds’ of lovers as there are Ben & Jerry's flavors of ice cream.
There are the smooth talking types that have the slowest hands that just drive me crazy! There are also those that take you on like they’re saddling a horse and plan to ride the derby with you. Then of course there are the shy modest ones that I will always go out of my way to find. Some are big talkers on the way to the bedroom, but are mice in bed. Others surprise the hell out of you with their gyrations and appetite. It’s always a surprise.
Please don’t get the idea that I go out slutting every weekend, because believe me or not, I am very picky and critical and really don‘t jump every nookie that comes along. Personality, sense of humor, hygiene, intellect, their ass, interest or hobbies, opinions and self pride all play in to what I look for in a lover. If they look like Angelina Jolie, I would consider dropping one or two requirements or more.
I’m attracted to healthy built petite women, not tall ones. Hair is important to me and I’m not talking about leg and arm pit fur either!! Tattoos and piercing, within reason, and it has taken me several years to finally accept the fact that a lot of lesbians do really like the body art and hanging hardware. I only have one small tattoo now, after having a large butterfly lasered off my butt, I really can’t be too much of a judge. However, women that must have assorted rings, studs, staples and whatever, pierced all over their goodies, nose, ears and lips….sorry, just a little too much for me. But, I am very attracted to nipple and belly button jewelry.
A few have been a little weird and have left me shaking my head for days wondering what happened! I've only encountered one dominatrix and I was ready to change my phone number and name the next day! Some lovers are demanding while others are docile. Some are very giving and others can be selfish. I've known them all and sometimes I've been fortunate and other times cheated. No two lovers are ever the same and that makes it all wondrous.
Well…..I believe you should not. But, I’m also a hypocrite! I believe the greatest flaw to my character has always been my genetalia. When I was in my early twenties, I surmised that they had a brain of their own and my head brain had no authority over them. Right, I’m making excuses. Fact is, most of my dating now, during my late twenties, has been in groupies. Going together to the ’Paris’ club, theater, resorts, restaurants, etc. Anywhere from four to eight of us. Once in a great while, someone will hook me up with a 'slasher' that often has the personality of baloney. I would go through the date's prerequisites and then start to complain about my period around ten p.m. She would thankfully bid me goodnight and I’d go home and watch a DVD with my best friend BOB, (Battery Operated Bullet).
Now….I do have some renegade hormones that surface from time to time. 'Terri Jekyll' makes way for the horny bitch 'Teresita Hyde'! I have shamed myself on more than a few occasions by being easily manipulated and taken advantage of. I’ll skip the details. This being said, I still embrace the celibacy of the first and most times second date, unless they tell me they’re dying of pubic cancer.
Dating is many things to many people, and all silliness aside, the first date should never be stressed with any anticipations or misguided obligations directed towards the bedroom. Sleeping with someone on the first date is too much like having sex with a stranger....regrets too often follow. So, acquire some common ground, get to know each other, check for scabs and focus on what this new friend might add to your life. Too many potential friendships have been destroyed in the sack.....
Love is not a “thing” or “condition”. It is not a reaction or circumstance. What it is….I have no freaking idea! What I feel is not translatable or even blogable! How do you infer the embracing comfort of someone’s arms around you? The slow and tender touch of a caring person. The reactions of another person to your needs, both physical and emotional?
Love lacks a true definition and is just based on assumptions and gut feelings. Sometimes I need it in large doses and at others, like a slow steady IV of tenderness. Love is not….nor has it ever been….based on sexuality. The love of a woman has always been a treasure to me. The long strong embrace of a caring person or the sensual kiss of a lover has always filled me with a warm flow of love and satisfaction. There’s the word ‘love’ again! Seems the more emotionally ignorant we are with the English language, the more we use four letter words. ‘Love’ is a code word. A pass word to the heart. A word we use when we hope for too much, based on too little. A prayer for happiness that should always end with the word ‘love’ instead of ‘amen’. A mystifying conundrum of feelings.
The two greatest deterrents to love has always been sexual bias and loneliness. Too many have lived their entire lives shackled to these dilemmas. Your sexuality forcing you to safeguard your feelings to avoid bias. But, the greatest deterrent is loneliness, because it has made you venerable through the years to lost and fraudulent love, therefore, you now tend to hold back rather than commit.
A few months ago, D told me she loved me. Then got pissed off because I didn't reciprocate. I told her I didn't take ‘love’ casually and if I felt it inside, I was careful about expressing it. She said all I was interested in was the sex and her new car! I told her I did like the car. She didn't think it was funny. Anyway, after awhile I was finally able to get her to understand where I was coming from. She was still pissed and hurt. The evening ended with me making love to an angry person….kind of kinky.